may 8

i want to be better that is what i want

i’ve really failed lately

i really have problems

i feel more strongly than ever about not wanting to let myself get so down

march 17

i have really improved a lot and not been such a wreck. i started taking that antidepressant/anti-anxiety and it’s helped a lot. he has been really good at making me feel like i’m just normal and not treating me differently because of my problems. we still argue but i just see him as my best friend who understands me and i always feel that we come to a solution and resolve things the best we can. i’ve been so excited for this summer, thinking about all the time we can spend together, i will cherish it so much. i just feel so comfortable being me when we’re talking and being together. it is important to me that i see him as my best friend before i see him as a boyfriend, and he’s just my favorite person 1000 times over. i always feel so happy about how we were brought together. we are so different, such different lives, different places, and we somehow found our way to each other. i think i am still in the process of falling totally in love sometimes. just sometimes he will say or do something and my heart swells just a bit bigger, i already see him as my best friend but as time goes on i feel more close as lovers.

feburary 21

i feel like things have been hopefully doing better. i know i’ll still have bad days. i had a real meltdown last week where i self-harmed and it was miserable and he was really supportive. i got to such a bad place that i didn’t contact anyone and felt really suicidal and i felt so bad for putting him in that position. i was really ashamed of myself and i still am. i would say that i’m def improving a bit maybe???? i have my moments and do stupid things and stuff but i think i am trying to improve. i felt really emotional when he admitted the other day to feeling really shitty that i’m not there. i felt like he was holding it together so much better than me that we weren’t together, and he just got upset and said he was trying to be strong so that it wouldn’t further upset me. i totally understood but just felt so sad that he kept it from me????? i always just want to help and make him feel better??? i definitely think that i really love him a bit more every day. i think i’m really stupid sometimes and act like a horrible girlfriend and i want to fix it because he means the world to me and i just want him to be happy. i think i’m selfish and don’t do as good of a job as i could and i want to try harder.

february 11

i had a bit of a rough night last night and the night before. i thought i was doing better but just the thought of going back to college and having to be lonely and upset all over again really got to me, and i started thinking about and getting nervous and doubtful of my future. one minute i think i’m doing way better, then the next day i cry and feel bad. i became really frustrated this morning and tried not to take it out on him and i think i did better. sometimes i start crying a lot on skype or messaging and i know it’s not because of him, i just think maybe the separation gets to me really badly. i always really admire his patience with me and perseverance, it makes me feel a lot more secure. i don’t think he realizes how much more of a mess i would be if he doubted things and got upset as much as i do. i really hope i can do better this week. i’ve been prescribed an antidepressant/antianxiety but i don’t know how i feel about it yet, so i’m waiting now. i made an appointment with an on-campus counselor for the 24th and i hope that goes well. it’s been really hard for me to wake up, go to sleep, do anything basically, and wish that i were back in london with him. it gets to me so badly because of how bored and lonely i’ve become. whereas for him it was most tough when i first left and now he’s gotten accustomed, i was mostly okay leaving and now it’s eating away at me every day that we’re not physically together and i’m not in london. i miss him every moment of every day. it really breaks my heart

feburary 5

i guess today was sort of better. i had a moment when i got sort of upset and freaked out, and i just took a moment to myself and that helped. once i called back he was understanding and respectful. i really love that he can move on readily when i’ve had a sad or frustrated moment because it helps me feel like i’m normal and not really mentally unstable. i think he can tell that that makes me feel a lot better, to sort of move on relatively quickly, to accept my apology and words and just not dwell too long. sometimes i get so anxious and can’t stop dwelling, but today i tried hard not to and we moved on quickly. i think that it’s not a bad idea to just kind of quickly move on because we always make sure the other one is okay and everything before we do. i try to never just continue on or anything if i can tell that he’s upset or if i myself am upset. it is important to address issues but he’s really good about knowing when to make me feel better and let it go. he booked his flight today and it was so exciting. it feels so far away and i hope every day that it flies by. when i get sad, i try to remember exact things that he’s said to me, sometimes even in his voice. it just makes it easier to remember and more meaningful to hear.

i just don’t understand why i have these issues. i have NO issues with anything he ever does really. like i can’t even immediately name something off the top of my head that i really dislike about him or that i have a problem with or even a little thing that i don’t like. i just don’t get what my issue is. i’m so paranoid. what if we break up, what if i fall in love with someone else, what if we can’t work out living together, what if we just grow apart, i don’t know????? does me thinking about this all the time mean i should break up or leave????? i just don’t get it?? but perhaps these anxieties all are related to something going wrong in our relationship and maybe i worry and worry and worry constantly because i really really deep down don’t want this?? i just don’t want my anxieties about things that don’t exist and haven’t happened to break us up. i’m so scared of that. like i just think i need so much more time to grow as a person. i feel like i have so much to learn still. london taught me a fair amount but like i just need to undergo more personal growth in terms of handling my emotions and thoughts. i’ve even been paranoid that i don’t even like or love him, i just like the comfort he gives me. i am so angry that i have worried about this. i think this is maybe hard in long-distance relationships because you must get used to not having a person immediately there, you forget a bit what it is like having them around, you forget how great they really are. i just look forward so much to spending time with him and i think about how i want to care for him and help him with anything. i would die for him in any way. i would die if it meant that he could live for even another few moments, i would die if it meant that he could live the rest of his life.

i think also that maybe i just think about my relationship too much in general. probably because it’s so important to me. the more i think, the more i doubt. it’s just such a problem that i feel like i can’t fix, because i can’t really control my thoughts once they get going and i get anxious. he has said before that this won’t take days or weeks or even months, but a while, and he’s committed to being with me regardless. that means a lot to me. really, a lot. i still feel so stupid for having doubts, given all that he’s said and done for me. it’s stuff like that that gets to me a lot, and him. there’s just no reason for it and i can’t control it. i’m really afraid of the future, and my relationship adds another major important thing i must be concerned about. it’s important to me and i’m not giving up on it, hence my anxiety, i feel.

february 4

i really like that he maintains a lot of patience. i’ve felt really horrible a lot for saying he lacks it when i’m being angry. i think i just feel that maybe in terms of patience, when i think it’s a matter of him losing it, he’s drawing a line that needs to be there. there are probably many times where i’m being kind of absurd, or there is no way to constantly be nice to someone and completely patient without getting a point across. i know his point is that he cares????? i forget it a lot and i feel really stupid for that. i feel that i need to look at his perspective more and think about how he would feel if he had to cope with me and i know that it would be emotionally exhausting. the past few weeks especially have been rough. i have been feeling suicidal, had a day where i hurt myself, and just couldn’t stop crying several nights in the past couple weeks, and he stayed up until 7am his time last night because i was a wreck and couldn’t say bye and couldn’t help myself. i bet it hurts him a lot to not be able to be here. and still, he does not crack under pressure and leave me or say that i’m too much or too difficult. i think i can be more respectful of his patience by a lot. i love him for maintaining patience because that’s very important in relationships and something that so many people lack. he is so mature beyond his years and i don’t think he knows it.